these are the words that escaped from my lungs

Sun, 14 May 2006 21:14:15 GMT

I'd really appreciate if people filled this out, it only takes like 5 seconds and I think it's pretty interesting...

It's called a Johari Window

boys will be boys, hiding in estrogen.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 16:51:08 GMT

I have been feeling very differently these past few days. I don't know how to explain it besides that I am searching for someone to fill the void that is left when I separate someone close to me from me.

I've been thinking of a certain someone, but.. I dunno. I am apprehensive to even let myself begin to think of someone again, because the last times have certainly not turned in my favor.

Oh, well. It happens.

Prison Break tonight. Yay.

Oh, this month is going to be the longest of my life so far, I bet. Knowing I am so close to finishing school... it's going to be torture. And I think the thing I am most excited about is being able to do nothing for a month straight.. same as every year, but this time I know I never have to go back, which is a bonus, of course. But I just want to relax. It's not even excitement; I don't know what it is, really. But I know on May 12th all I will be feeling is relief. Maybe a little nostalgic. Maybe scared. Maybe a lot of things.
Ok I'm talking myself in circle.

I'm hungry, and I have food, but I really don't want to eat it. I want something .. with cheese. Hmm...
All the jews around me are talking about the food they are allowed to eat.. I think that is one thing I do not understand.. having food restrictions in practicing religion. But I guess this is just one of those things I will never understand. Like African American culture.

Oh, Crawford is going on about methane.. and about how I am doing nothing for the environment and how he likes to eat fish bones.
Oh, I'm getting made fun of for being vegetarian. I really hate that.. it's a personal decision... don't fucking bug me about it.

Ok I'm bored now.. the people around me are more intersting than this.

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 01:19:47 GMT

you don't care that you hurt me.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 02:52:12 GMT

I have not cried that hard in my life.
Ever.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 17:52:38 GMT

I feel so unattractive today.
I have on no makeup and I have my glasses on.

I am very excited about Friday, but it will be a very busy day, and I do not like busy days.
I hope I can go home now, and not have to wait. I probably can... it is not like it is out of his way...

Today has also been very pointless.

My livejournal blows.

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 14:55:38 GMT

I don't care anymore.
Or, I need to make myself not care. Grades do not matter anymore, as long as I get B's.
Fuck Mr. Berger. Seriously.
I know the school computers do not have Works, genius. Open it on your fucking home computer. I stayed up late to get that to you on time, and now it's late.
Why?
Because it won't open on the school computer.

Oh, my god.
So aggravated.

I was just a smartass to Ms. Fishman, that felt kinda good.

Fucking school.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 18:02:38 GMT

I really hate IB kids.
Well, most of them. They just tend to be the driest, oddest people. They laugh at their stupid jokes that no one but them understands and it is so annoying... because I am surrounded by them right now. And to me, it's all pointless talking. I hate pointless talking.
And they think they are better.. maybe they do not voice this opinion of themselves but of course they're thinking it..
When I'm probably as smart as half of them.
They'll bust their asses for 4 years of their life to be able to skip one year of college, which they will probably get to attend for free. At UF, probably.
Hmm.
Besides the skipping credit hours and working myself into the ground, there's no difference between some of them and me.

Maybe it comes off as jealousy. But it's just annoyance. Plain and simple.
They annoy me.
Ola's cool, that's it, at least that is all I can think of now.

OH!
And they are all obsessed with European countries as if they are from there when they are just Americans, like the rest of them.

They are so fucking loud and I can't concentrate and this probably sounds like shit.. god I'm so annoyed!!

I can't wait to go eat. I am so hungry.
And then to go home.
Mmm... home...

:)

Maybe I can get a ride with Seth... that'd be nice. I will go nonchalantly wait for him outside.. hmm. Yes.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 12:25:58 GMT

Wow, today has definitely not started out well.

I woke up late. I couldn't find anything in my mad rush to get out the door, my cd player batteries died... I couldn't find the right shoes so my shoes are the wrong color of pink and they do not match my shirt.

I am just all around.. annoyed..
This guy talking to Tanja is driving me crazy.. I want to tell him to go away. He finds humor in the difference between German & English somehow, but no one else thinks it's funny... I just think he is weird.

God, tired...

Idk... yesterday was not a good day.
I wanted to go to 30STM tonight, but I guess Jeff does not want to go anymore... I dunno.

*sigh*
All the people around me have terrible senses of humor. I feel so out of place.

I guess I have nothing more to say except to complain more. So... bleh.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 18:44:13 GMT

I just had an intense feeling of paranoia...
I'm sitting in the library, doing my clippings file, and these 7 or 8 big guys (all play football) came in and even though they probably did not see me way back here in the corner, I could have sworn that one of them said "look at that girl..."
Even though there was no way their conversation could have possibly been audible to me all the way over here.
I have noticed something else... whenever I am nervous, I type poorly.

I feel ill. I barely ate anything, but I feel like I could throw up, I am so full. This has been happening a lot. I also have been hungry, but feel like I cannot eat. Like, everything I think of eating nauseates me.

My friend is talking really loud. There are two kids sitting at the table next to me and I think we we're bothering him.

I hate when people talk loud in quiet places.

I just got the shit scared out of me because I stuck my finger in a whole in the wall, and just as I was thinking "wow, there could be a roach in here" and pulled my finger out.. and a piece of inside fell out with it...

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 22:47:16 GMT

I don't feel like life today.

*back to sleep*

It really is a shame that there is only so long I can sleep... before my body will just not let me sleep anymore.

it's all your fault.

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 18:29:22 GMT

yourfaultyourfaultyourfault.

So own up, take responsibility, and fix this.

I wish I was high. Or drunk.
Things seem so much better when you can't think straight.
Like.. the alcohol/pot forms a barrier in my mind... and certain thoughts can't get past it, can't reach me.

*sigh*

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 22:11:29 GMT

Hahahaha.
Why did I wait til this year to do it.

My muscles keep twitching.
I want to text someone.. 'cause no one has just randomly sent me one in like 5 days.

*le sigh*

I have to study tonight... fuck!
Jeffery is telling me about my hair. Wow, I missed the ir when I tried to type hair, but I hit re... so I typed out hare.
Haha, yay irony!

I should let Jeffery have his computer. We are going to watch Donnie Darko I think. And Jake Whatshissface is in it....

The past is never far.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 02:41:59 GMT

Wow, I have not posted in such a long time. LJ owns the MySpace blogs, there's just no way around it.

So why do I use the blog on MySpace? Because that way, people will read. But, if this is a journal, then why do I want people to read?

So this has lead me to the conclusion... that my LJ, blog, and even DJ were never really for me. Well, they were. But just to tell people things I couldn't say to their faces, or let someone know how I feel, hint at things, settle fights, start arguements....

But never for me to remember these past... 5 years. Just entries, addressed to someone else. And they are all so depressing...

when I came home with a big grin on my face and my sides sore from laughing, I didn't come here.

How am I supposed to remember everything that has happened?

From the pickle colliding with my forehead to Pinky, Mr. Chips and Mr. Ass, flying the vhs tape out the back of the bus... the cartoons in German, workbooks flying across the room...

All the little things I'm too 'old' for now.

I was so depressed for a while there, but I think I may just like to go back.

Because life was so much more fun.

So is this it?

Is my only form of entertainment going to be going out and doing things I shouldn't do?

Get drunk, steal, get high, get fucked... just because that's what people my age do?

I remember feeling completely elated, with no alcohol running through my veins, not being high...

Why can't that happen anymore?

Underneath everything is sadness. Or at least something uncomfortable. And now... intoxication fixes that.

Can't I just laugh at someone's jokes, do stupid things... run around the mall, joke around, actually go to the movies, have parties where we'd swim in our clothes and set things on fire. When innocence was a reality, not some sort of facade we had to fake. When there were no "mistakes."

When boys liked girls and girls liked boys.

When 'going out' meant kissing on the mouth and holding hands.

I have wanted to grow up so fast. But I had so much fun.. while it lasted.

It is funny, how many stages of my life I've wanted to leave, how I've wanted certain feelings to go away... and now that it's all happened, I don't know what to do with myself.

I don't know what I am supposed to feel if I feel for no one.

And how.. I thought certain things would never go away.. and how quickly they seemed to evaporate.

Seeing someone in a different light... and wishing you could go back, because they are not who you really wanted them to be. School is so boring, but at least there is a sense of security in being there. It's routine, I know what to expect, and if I fuck up, it's no big deal. The classes I chose didn't matter, as long as I passed them.

I didn't have to worry about becoming an adult.

Now I legally am one.

*le sigh*

I'm approaching serious changes to my life. I hope I can handle them. I hope I don't mess up. I hope I can live up to my expectations.

I hope it gets better than this.

Or somehow, I can go back.

To when life was fun and I looked forward to going to school everyday to see my friends. All the places we used to meet... there were so many of us. Now I stop no where in the hallways on the way to class. School is about work and that is it. There is no fun involved.

I want the fun back. ...somehow, I want it back.

And even though the moment's passed me by
I still cant turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Get tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost and thrown away

And now we've grown up orphans I never knew their names
We dont belong to no one thats a shame
You could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name..
And I won't tell em your name

The scars are souvenirs you'll never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast
Now there's nothing to believe
And re-runs all become our history
A tired song keeps playin on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name...
And I won't tell em your name
I won't tell em your name...I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same...
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell em your name

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 15:13:55 GMT

Bored at school.....

I won't suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted
Surrender to nothing, I'll give up what I
Started and stop this, from end to beginning
A new day is calling, and I am finally free

I wish I could get to myspace.
That would make everything better...

I do not have an addiction.

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 15:17:29 GMT

I know I said I was done with LJ, but I can't get to my MySpace blog, so....
Ugh. I feel like shit. I guess I learned my lesson... no more retarted pills for me. They do suppress the hunger, because they make me feel too sick to even bend down.

Bleh.

I know I said I quit but I can't use my MySpace blog on the school's network.

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 15:02:02 GMT

God... I was just reviewing my grades for the last 3 1/2 years...
I barely got any A's.
:(
Mostly B's.
Too many C's.
1 D.

God.. it'll be no wonder when I don't get in..
I'm nervous.

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 23:47:44 GMT

I think..
I've decided LiveJournal sucks.
..so I guess this is the end.

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 02:44:57 GMT

So I just got home..
Oh, yay.
I'm sure everyone missed me..
All my amazing friends.
(THAT I DON'T HAVE)
Strange that it doesn't bother me to think about that.. whatever.

Last family vacation I ever have to go on.. oh, it feels so wonderful that it's over.

I will be 18 in 23 days. Yay.

I need a job. I am thinking Starbucks.. it's not exactly food service, and I think I'd be perfect for the atmosphere.

Ugh.
Why won't USF accept me already..? This is getting annoying.

Bleh.. I am tired.

I am leaving.

oh, and P.S...
This just struck me.
YOU'RE ALL SO FAKE.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 21:43:41 GMT

I haven't been this sick since the time Brian and I got drunk at work that one night.

I think I'm dying.

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 00:07:39 GMT

So I am sick.

*cries*

I had to come home from school early today..
(well I guess I didn't have to...)

I don't think I will go tomorrow.
I can pack and such...

I'm going to Disney this weekend with the family..
the ENTIRE family.
I'm scared.

I feel like shit.
Someone shoot me.

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 18:26:08 GMT

Nothing is as heart-wrenching as finishing a book.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 23:04:48 GMT

so weak and powerless over you

UGH!

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 19:06:46 GMT

Ok, so stupid me accidentally types in the wrong SS# on my USF application.
Yes, I know, I know. I'm a moron.

Anyways.. so I call undergrad admissions.. and I get some stupid voice recording (the worst I have ever heard, I swear) and after I finally get someone human to talk to...
...I end up with some tea-time who could not have been any more fucking vague with me.

"Um, yes, I submitted an application yesterday, and upon reviewing it after I paid, I realized my social security number was one digit off."

"ok."

*pause*

"Um, what should I do about that."

"Do you have a copy of your card?"

"Not on me; my dad has it."

*pause*

"What should I do with it?"

"We're going to need it."

*pause*

"Ok, well how do I get it to you?"

"Email or fax. Have a nice day."

UGGGHHHH!
I didn't even get to ask for the fucking address because she oh-so-politely ended the conversation.

God.

The one thing on my fucking application that HAS to be right...
...and I manage to screw it up.

They should reject me on stupidity by defult.
Not even look at my application.

I've been so worried about whether or not I'll get in.. and now I have to go through this fucking mess.

Goddamn, I'm an idiot.

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 03:51:41 GMT

I cannot wait til next year.

Fuck high school.

Seriously... I transcend this.

BEST FRIEND means I pulled the trigger.

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 03:04:16 GMT

...you probably feel like you can't even talk to me anymore, right?

*shrug*

Well I'm fucking sorry.
It bothers you, it kills you.
I know.

Suck it up and don't fucking take it out on me.