So why do I use the blog on MySpace? Because that way, people will read. But, if this is a journal, then why do I want people to read?

So this has lead me to the conclusion... that my LJ, blog, and even DJ were never really for me. Well, they were. But just to tell people things I couldn't say to their faces, or let someone know how I feel, hint at things, settle fights, start arguements.... 

But never for me to remember these past... 5 years. Just entries, addressed to someone else. And they are all so depressing... 

when I came home with a big grin on my face and my sides sore from laughing, I didn't come here. 

How am I supposed to remember everything that has happened? 

From the pickle colliding with my forehead to Pinky, Mr. Chips and Mr. Ass, flying the vhs tape out the back of the bus... the cartoons in German, workbooks flying across the room... 

All the little things I'm too 'old' for now.

I was so depressed for a while there, but I think I may just like to go back. 

Because life was so much more fun. 

So is this it? 

Is my only form of entertainment going to be going out and doing things I shouldn't do? 

Get drunk, steal, get high, get fucked... just because that's what people my age do? 

I remember feeling completely elated, with no alcohol running through my veins, not being high... 

Why can't that happen anymore? 

Underneath everything is sadness. Or at least something uncomfortable. And now... intoxication fixes that. 

Can't I just laugh at someone's jokes, do stupid things... run around the mall, joke around, actually go to the movies, have parties where we'd swim in our clothes and set things on fire. When innocence was a reality, not some sort of facade we had to fake. When there were no "mistakes." 

When boys liked girls and girls liked boys. 

When 'going out' meant kissing on the mouth and holding hands. 

I have wanted to grow up so fast. But I had so much fun.. while it lasted. 

It is funny, how many stages of my life I've wanted to leave, how I've wanted certain feelings to go away... and now that it's all happened, I don't know what to do with myself. 

I don't know what I am supposed to feel if I feel for no one. 

And how.. I thought certain things would never go away.. and how quickly they seemed to evaporate. 

Seeing someone in a different light... and wishing you could go back, because they are not who you really wanted them to be. School is so boring, but at least there is a sense of security in being there. It's routine, I know what to expect, and if I fuck up, it's no big deal. The classes I chose didn't matter, as long as I passed them. 

I didn't have to worry about becoming an adult. 

Now I legally am one. 

*le sigh* 

I'm approaching serious changes to my life. I hope I can handle them. I hope I don't mess up. I hope I can live up to my expectations. 

I hope it gets better than this. 

Or somehow, I can go back. 

To when life was fun and I looked forward to going to school everyday to see my friends. All the places we used to meet... there were so many of us. Now I stop no where in the hallways on the way to class. School is about work and that is it. There is no fun involved.

I want the fun back. ...somehow, I want it back.